Real Love Versus Attachment
So you are in love, huh?
But still not sure whether it’s true love or merely an attachment?
In this post, I talk about a few of the differences between love and attachment.
I know, I know love can be overwhelming and complicated and before committing to a serious relationship, that’s getting married to Mr/ Ms. Right, you have to be really sure. Now when I say really sure I mean really, really, really, (*3 times) sure, as in future it would be messy in the case of Mr. /Ms. wrong.
Whether you are head over heel in love with a person or you are still confused, I have got a good news for you.
All your confusions about that lovey dovey feeling that can make you swoon are going to be solved pretty soon, promise!…Also, it will give you clarity and help you take the most crucial decision of your life.
Differences between Love and Attachment
Following are the few tips that will come in handy building a stronger relationship with your future life partner or your better half.
Love is selfless, attachment is self-centered
When you truly love someone you always focus on making the other person happy, right? Making them feel loved and fulfilled is your first priority.
You go out of your way to get things done for the special person you love, without demanding anything in return. You don’t keep score, arguing about who loves or care more, who gets the laundry done most of the times. You don’t try to dominate the person when it’s genuine love; you want to put someone else’s need before your own. When you are in love, it’s all about the other person.
When you are not in love, but merely attached to a person, you just want someone to be there for you. You become heavily dependent on your partner to make you happy or meet your needs while you don’t do your share. You often try to control him/her and want them to be more submissive. You hold them responsible for making you feel happy or unhappy. You use them to boost your self-esteem and to fill the vacuum that’s created within you. You easily become frustrated or angry if they are not able to meet your expectations. In other words, you are not looking out for them –you are only looking out for yourself.
Love is Unconditional; Attachment has conditions attached to it
Everyone has good and bad traits, but when we love someone we just can’t love their good parts, we accept and love them with all their flaws. We are more tolerant of them. We might not be too fond of their choices but we still respect them. We don’t try to alter them as per our liking. We love them for who they are not what we want them to be.
You get attached to people when you feel secure and comfortable in their company. The attachment provides a person with a feeling of stability, certainty, and safety- that someone will always be there for you in a time of need. Many people confuse these feelings with real love.
Love is when you set them free, Attachment is controlling
If you genuinely love someone, you let be free, instead of controlling or manipulating them. You don’t feel insecure when they achieve success in life neither you try to push them down. You feel happy for them. You would encourage them to pursue their dreams, and even when they fail at something, you don’t judge or criticize them. When your partner encourages you to be who you genuinely are, and you feel loved and accepted, it allows you to grow and you don’t feel the need to control their life or dominate them.
Attachment, on the other hand, promotes controlling behavior. You try to control and manipulate the person fearing he/she might leave you. You play mind games with them, try to control and restrict their activities. You throw tantrums to get your way and force them to stay in a relationship regardless of their feelings.
Also read: How to make relationships work better
Love allows mutual growth, attachment restrict
Mutual love allows you and your partner to grow. When both of you don’t control or restrict each other’s growth and facilitate them, you both become the best versions of each other. When your partner encourages and appreciates your growth, you do the same for them.
In the case of attachment, your unresolved issues and your inability to solve them create problems for the other partner too. Your dependency upon your significant other causes stresses for them which restrict your growth as well as your partner’s. When one partner isn’t able to grow due to the other partner, it causes frustration and promotes an unhealthy relationship.
Love stays, Attachment is Transient
“True love is only known when the love inside you never diminishes; it only grows deeper and more passionate within your soul and theirs.” Anonymous
When you are in love- and I mean really in love the person will always remain in your heart, even if your relationship works out or not the person will remain to be the love of your life. Real love doesn’t fall off; it stays with you forever.
When you are merely attached to someone, you will hold grudges and feel bitterness after a breakup. You might even feel betrayed and been cheated on. These feelings originate from depending on another for our inward sustenance and happiness.
Love is inevitable, attachment is for self-gratification
Love is inevitable, you don’t plan to fall in love with someone, it just happens. You have little or no control over your feelings. Sometimes the person you fall for might not even be your type, but as they say, ‘Opposite attracts’.
Relationships that merely seek self-gratification which breeds attachment and fear can’t be love. We come to believe that our source of health and happiness is outside of ourselves. And the person must stay in our lives to fulfill our needs and desires.
Everyone should fall in love, it’s a great feeling, but you have to be certain about your feelings and understand love deeply before committing to a serious relationship. Following the above tips will help you differentiate between real love and attachment. So, have you fallen in love yet?